A common tool with health coaching is 'deep diving' basically just examining the underlying things, stuff not said and what often happen are things come to light that neither the client or me saw coming and that then sets off a chain of lights turning on!
And what do these lights shine on? primarily the amount of negative self talk a client deals with AND sabotage.
What is negative self talk?
Out of control negative self talk is cruel, it destroys self esteem and warps your reality to be excessively negative and affects your whole body! (Central nervous system, hormones, gut health basically the works!)
It goes unnoticed by ourselves as its so common.
It often surprises clients who felt they were really upbeat people and they still are but they realise they actually speak pretty grim to themselves!
These thoughts create a way for people to easily sabotage their goals. I mean doing life with a nagging voice dragging you back all day everyday!? its wild.
Where does it come from?
Everyone has this voice its part of a legit defense mechanism to help us avoid danger.
It often stems from a protective place (your mind is trying to avoid legit dangers- it's just gotten way out of hand) learning from a lesson "don't do that again" etc.
It could also come from trauma (and any kind) & nutrient deficiencies .
A Dr explained to me that: Our brains want to use the quickest paths/links for decision making so if we've used mainly 'warning/danger/harm/negative ways due to trauma, stressful environments deficiencies etc our brain in survival mode uses them quickly and they can become a default path for all decision making and only get stronger.
How can it present? It can be very subtle at times from apathetic "who cares" vibes to all out cruelty but can fuel many issues like procrastination, eating disorders, self harm, avoidance, depression, anxiety, addiction. A term used is "inner critic"- the inner voice telling you negative things so you then do things like feed an addiction, miss out on important life goals, stay trapped in a negative cycle.
What is the saboteur?
This is 'naming' the voice/feeling telling you negative things to sabotage you.
It separates YOU from the mechanism of negative self talk.
When visualising what the saboteur is, some take shape as characters or objects, they may have sounds or smells but that act of visualising helps to take the power away from it.
Now just like the food addiction post highlighted how early in childhood we are influenced the same thing applies here with negative self talk and low self esteem as kids we have very little control of our environment.
For anyone wanting to learn more about childhood development check these two amazing expert resources
@mompsychologist Dr Jazmine, incredible wealth of expert knowledge (American based)
@nathanwallis (Aotearoa based ) Neuroscience educator.
Dr Gabor Maté Some reading: Hold onto your kids, even read to understand yourself as a kid.
Okidoke so we're all grown up now and been talking pretty shitty to ourselves for how long? Often multiple decades, what can we do about it?
We can and need to strengthen NEW or the less used positive neural pathways in our brains. #1 That means fueling it with enough nutrients for it to churn through and use and also sort out any malfunctions/inflammation.\
Check out expert Julia Rucklidge's talk on nutrtion and mental health.
#2 Practice positive psychology (not toxic positivity) to give the new neural pathways workouts
so the positive pathways become efficient! (link on positive psychology)
Yeah it involves being kind to yourself! before you balk, kindness for you can and will be different to what many self care gurus promote.
So don't despair if the thought of buying a bunch of candles and manifesting (which honestly that really works well for people!) good vibes in a tepid bathtub makes you cringe OR feel overwhelmed!
When a person has been pretty rough with themselves for many years even decades; acts of self kindness can start off super small and still be impactful, as you get more practice you will have many more options.
I was once tasked with smiling at myself in the mirror- yeah...it was incredibly difficult for me and honestly took me about 6months of thinking about it before I could even attempt it.
Need some expert insight? Act therapy & CBT I'm going to direct you to some experts you may find useful who can explain in more depth around the science of it all, check out their resources:
Prof Julia Rucklidge
Hopefully you've gotten something out of this I'll be taking a further look at the saboteur in an upcoming blog as saboteurs can be super sneaky! In the meantime, couple of health coach q's for anyone reading: What is kindness to you? How do you express kindness to yourself?
-Saz
